The state of the mind...

I wonder how it really feels to scream your head off.
To smash a table on the ground.
To swing a bat to break a windscreen.
To throw a vase on a wall.
To swear in all the languages and dialects in the world.

The furious-ness can't seem to go.
The frustration-ness don't seem to erode.
The heat builds up even in an air-cond room.

Why?

Anger, when left unchecked or resolved, will translate into actions eventually.
Things like abuse, whether on self or others, will eventually happen regardless what our "rational" minds tells us otherwise.

What I'm saying is, eventually, I feel like letting out what I feel through actions. Which eventually leads to hurting others physically, and leads to me being hurt physically and emotionally.

But my mind doesn't let me so. Cause its not good yada yada yada.
Why do I bother sometimes? Why do I do what I do?

From what I can deduce, it's me.
It's always been me.
When things don't turn out right or well, it's me.
When I'm right, I'm still wrong.
When I care, it's wrong.
When I don't care, it's wrong.
When I'm on the fence, it's wrong.
When a person challenges me, I'm wrong.
When someone laughs at me, I'm wrong.
When someone makes fun of me, I'm wrong.
When I do it right, it's wrong.
When I don't do anything, it's also wrong.

What's the point of living?
Why bother to try?
Even when I try, why can't I try my hardest and best?
Why does it still turn out bad after you try?

What's happening to me?
What have I done to go through this?
What haven't I done to get out of this?

I don't want to eat. It's like a waste of effort but the body needs it.
I don't want to move but I don't want stay still either.
I want to cry, yet I don't want to either.

I want to decide, yet I can't make a decision.
I want to breakthrough yet I can't break myself and instead crumble.
I wanna be more in tune with Him yet I can't make the effort.
I wanna be more than I want to be for Him yet I don't want to change.

So what do you want?
Something? Nope.
Nothing? Not that either.
What then?

A few years ago, Melissa with Pastor Reynold asked me if I needed help. I didn't know what to even ask for and worse is, I still don't know.

Maybe the smallest request is, ironically the biggest one too, is just get me out of how I'm feeling permanently.

A full time job, corporate or church, is not going to help.
Going to church or serving isn't working.
Cell group isn't helping.
Worship is being affected.
Service to the youth is being affected.
My conversations to people is affected.
My joy of driving is being affected.
My passion for basketball and volleyball is drained.
Playing computer games takes away hours but doesn't solve anything.
My reading takes away more hours but my heart shows no change.
Watching movies is starting to get pointless.
And worse of all, doing nothing drives me meaningless.

"So what now?" I ask myself...
What a waste of time thinking about it too.
How am I suppose to get out of this rut?
Get on my knees? Cry? Worship? Pray?
Most probably that is the best thing to do.
To lay it all at His feet.

Will I get my answer?
Dang I better get it the sooner the better...